I'm not certain as to what I wish to say.
There's this hole in me filled with longing.
My hopes were high when I started to make plans,
When I allowed myself to dream,
To fantasize about seeing him again,
Laughing with him again,
Being able to touch him again.
I tried not to get too excited - the visit would be short
I knew that.
I tried not to be overbearing and make too many plans,
I wanted to be casual, flexible
For him,
Because I knew he had plans, might have plans,
Does have plans.
And his plans don't involve me right now.
But I remember that this is only now,
The future will come and maybe his plans will change.
Maybe he won't have his week here fully planned,
Maybe he'll make sure to reserve me some time.
Even if he doesn't,
That's okay.
I'll keep smiling
When I think of him;
His laugh,
His jokes,
His touch,
His fascination with theory,
And the look on his face when he's so focused
That he can't see outside his work.
So really, I'll always keep smiling
Because so many things remind me of him,
Make me think of him.
And if I'm smiling, what's there to be sad about?
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