71 fucking cue cards later, I thought I was ready.
Ha, as if I'll ever be ready for anything.
Not for this midterm,
Not for that social.
Not for tomorrow,
And certainly not for the rest of my life.
I'm constantly finding myself unprepared for life!
Maybe it's because I don't think ahead, and I don't plan for the future.
Maybe it's a fault of mine that I'll never be able to change,
But I can only dream for that excuse because it sounds so viable.
It sounds almost true. But I know it's not.
I know that I can change my ways, but that's what makes it hard.
Self-awareness of faults and short-comings is a strength, they say.
It means that you can see your faults and so overcome them!
You must first recognize that you have a problem before you can fix it.
Well, I think that's bullshit.
Being aware of your faults sucks fucking dick.
It's the self-awareness that makes me hate myself because I can see the issue.
I know what needs to be changed. I know how it needs to be changed.
I know I have the capacity to change and all the opportunities.
And yet, I never do change.
I'm acutely aware that I should think and plan ahead,
Yet I never do.
I know that I should prepare myself for the eventualities,
Yet I willfully walk in blind.
It's this pain of knowing to do better and never following through
That follows me. It sticks with me.
No amount of Advil could dull its stabbing knife.
I should probably get used to it:
I'll be stuck with this pain for the rest of my life.
How do I know?
Obviously because I won't change.
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